Will we ever be able to eradicate or greatly decrease the level of frustration, anger and violence that are tearing our communities apart? From our vantage, it is hardly likely that any significant or lasting impact will be made on the problem if we continue to approach it from a purely punitive aspect. Granted we have to stop or appear to be making efforts to stop the problem, but the punitive measures don’t really attack the root causes of the high level of frustration, anger and violence.
In order for us to make advances in resolving this chronic problem, Paul Kivel, a therapist in violence reduction, says that we have to take the necessary time to study the problem, and make some societal changes to our outlook on violence. We have to accept the basic principle that violent behaviour is learned; then we move to exploring why and how we are programmed to violent behaviour, and how we might extricate ourselves from our dilemma.
In his book “Men’s Work – how to stop the violence that tears our lives apart” – Kivel shares some experiences of a workshop titled “Male Violence, Dating Relationships, and Gender Roles.” He was working with some thirty teen mothers and pregnant young women, many of whom had experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse in their lives, some of whom were at very high risk for hitting their children in the future. They were there to look at the origin of the violence they had been experiencing and work out alternatives to such violence.
They started off with a father/son role-play and talked about how boys are trained to be men and how girls are trained to be women/ladies/good girls. Then they looked at relationships and particularly how violence arises in a teen relationship.
Some questions with which the group dealt were:
1) Is there any situation in which a woman deserves to be hit?
2) Is there any situation in which a child deserves to be hit?
None felt that there was any situation in which a woman deserved to be hit.
To the second question a few workshop participants said no, with many remaining silent. Sometimes in some cases children needed not really to be hit but to be given “just a little slap on the booty…. for their own good…to set limits.” Physical force should be used justifiably when all else failed, it was generally agreed by the workshop participants.
When challenged to think of alternatives to hitting, they came up with actions like taking away television privileges, grounding, bribery, threatening etc. The picture being painted was one that children were fundamentally irrational, uncooperative, overly emotional, too demanding, unresponsive, and incapable of self-control. They should simply accept the decisions of their elders or face the consequences of those in control. The young people in the workshop had already internalised the belief that well-behaved children could not be raised without being hit.
Where and when does it become right to hit a child, and when do we stop the hitting? How do children discern good hitting from bad hitting, especially if it “works”? What happens when children are no longer fearful of the hitting and how does it affect parent-child relationship and later adult relationships and pear relationships? Obviously children cannot feel particularly safe with or close to someone who abuses and disempowers them, and, more than likely, would eventually gravitate toward people, things, attitudes and behaviours that would appear to give them some sense of power and control of them-selves and others. After all abuse and intimation were demonstrated to have worked all their lives.
Kivel says that the violence in homes and communities will not stop until we adopt “new group norms and community values that say it is not okay for men to hit women and it is not okay (for adults) to hit young people (and children). “He then shares his family approach to raising non-violent children. They start with some simple, clear rules: 1) no hitting, kicking, biting or hurting others, including the animals and plants around them, 2) no kissing, hugging, touching, or other contact with a person who does not want it, 3) no teasing or name calling, 4) no throwing things in the house or at people; no threats or intimidation.
These rules, he says, apply even to the babies, who, as they grow older would receive explanations, “but the limits on violence come first”, and the rules apply to all adults also. No one is ever to retaliate for the children breaking the rules. Time-outs and talking in feelings are the rule of thumb. The basic assumption underlying these rules is that no one deserves to get hurt, and that there are always alternatives to violence.
He believes that it is the task of the adult to model the behaviour that is expected of the child. Adults should encourage the children to speak with respect, share feelings, make requests and devise non-violent ways to express frustration, anger and other painful emotions, like writing, drawing, acting, playing and listening to soothing music. In short parents need to learn non-violent ways of parenting. These are the skills presently being taught in workshops conducted by the Catholic Archdiocese, Ft. Charlotte Community Development Centre and at YEAST, Hopefully we will see the wisdom not only in supporting these initiatives but expanding them through our high school system and churches.
Viewpoints, The Bahama Journal
