All over the Big Apple’s subway system, Bahamas tourism ads are being ripped from their moorings lest commuters be inspired to commit acts of strange subterranean behavior that might prove unacceptable to the gurus of the tube.
Imagine that. New Yorkers behaving oddly in a hole in the ground.
Apparently, the Bahamas Ministry of Tourism has a sense of humor ﾗ and just as obviously, someone in charge of something-or-another state-side has not.
It’s winter in New York and what more perfect time to lure folks from the slush and sleet to a sunny tropical paradise? Rather than strap-hanging from Flushing to Flatbush five frigid days a week, why not jet on over to paradise for a quick thaw?
Isn’t lying under the palms in a swaying hammock a great thing to think about as your subway car bumps its way to the office?
Or how about some fishing in the crystal blue Bahamian waters?
Well, forget about it. Too dangerous. No more pretty pictures. No more palm trees and sunshine. No more posters.
Why? Because what if someone took the posters’ suggestions literally and tried to follow the instructions on “How to Turn a Subway Seat into a Hammock”?
The mere suggestion that someone should sprawl across three seats, as the ad shows, and imagine himself swinging in a hammock rather than lurching his way to Brooklyn, is unthinkable.
There’s a name for such behavior ﾗ seat hogging. And there’s a rule against it. One plastic dimple per backside…except in cases of two-dimple bottoms.
Scratch the hammock under the palms.
Okay, that’s out. So how about a little track fishing? The method is clearly described in the ad labeled “Instant Escape No. 2: How to Fly Fish with a Scarf and a Cell Phone.” It’s easy. Just put a little something sticky onto a cell phone and tie the whole mess to a scarf. Now comes the hairy part; dangle the scarf over the edge of the station platform and Voila! You’re track fishing.
But that’s against the Metropolitan Transportation Authority official rules, too. No more trolling the tracks for the catch of the day.
The Bahamas ads that are splashed through as many as a quarter of New York’s 6,210 subway cars would, according to CBS Outdoor, the ad folks who put them up, “advocate behavior that is clearly unsafe.”
So, the posters are coming down. New Yorkers just can’t have any fun anymore.
But before we go accusing the city-that-never-sleeps of having lost its sense of humor, let’s think about it for a minute. What’s the problem here? Does the MTA really worry about folks getting silly in the sub-strata? No. They’re worried about LITIGATION.
And so is the ad company and that’s why the pretty pictures have been recalled.
Just imagine some doofus falling out of his three-seat hammock or drowning in a sea of subway track. What happens then?
Silly question. We KNOW what comes next. Time to sue the deep pockets of the ad company, the MTA, the entire Bahamas island chain, and who knows ﾗ maybe even the Queen of England for having let the colonists get out of hand.
But, lawsuits aside, are New Yorkers really so lacking in walking-around sense as to practice whatever the ad companies are suggesting that week? Of course they aren’t because if they were, their teeth long ago would have been brushed into stubs with Rub-a-dent toothpaste and their bottoms swiped into oblivion with Lovey-Dovey toilet tissue.
So what’s left? No ads? No humor? Just mile after tedious mile of subway drab?
Many years ago, my seat-mate on a flight from Detroit to Miami, passed an open magazine to me for an opinion. The article was all about frivolous lawsuits and what they were costing everyone ﾗ especially those of us with a sense of humor.
After reading the article, I blithely offered my skewed (and slightly out of context) opinion: “Shakespeare penned the solution in Henry VI: ‘The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.’ “
The gentleman smiled indulgently and offered his opinion: “The courts have to start dropping the gavel on such silliness otherwise it will only escalate.” Then he handed me his business card: I had just been offering legal advice to the head counsel of General Motors. And he was right. Look where we are today. Hot coffee at McDonald’s and body parts in Wendy’s chili. What’s next? My all-time favorite, the way-cool Geico gecko axed because his body language is too suggestive?
Wouldn’t surprise me.
By Elizabeth Schuett, Cox News Service.
